How many times have i thought about wanting to write, speak, share …
somehow reach out into the void and just make something, anything happen.
So many things have happened. Well … that’s not true.
So many things have passed through my mind, moments of grief, sadness, loss, happiness, sorrow, regret, regret, so many regrets, helplessness, resignation … maybe that’s the feeling i’ve been experiencing and fighting the most.
just complete and utter resignation.
i don’t know why i feel compelled to write and reach out. maybe its one of the last few things i can do anymore. for almost the entire last year, i’ve been living in a cage of denial, buried down in the darkest recesses of a deep well, just shut in to my world.
the first few months i went through a rage of emotions. just utterly desolate, destroyed inside, completely overwhelmed with having to say that final goodbye, of having Aya’s spirit and heart and love and beauty slip away in my arms. i don’t know if i’m eternally blessed or cursed to have held her through those moments. i never wanted to lose her, i never wanted to have to live that moment. but i know if i’ve done nothing else in my life, if nothing else matters, in that moment, when everything was racing out of control and i just couldn’t handle things but somehow had to, i held her, i held her so close, and i just kept telling her how much i loved her and that i was there with her, that we were together. over and over. i had to make sure she knew. and that’s the one thing, the only thing i can say in my life i did right. that i did everything i could to make her feel how much i loved her.
and then it was over.
and ever since then, i just don’t know what to do.
2 months of crazy chaos, trying to hold things together. trying to go through every step and process, documents, funeral, wake, friends, family, crying, over and over again, crying and not knowing what i was doing. months of this until i had to just adjust. i had to move, do something with my time, go outside, try to enjoy life, tell myself i have to enjoy life for her sake. to step outside into the sun and say “Ciao Sole” the way she did everyday. i had to carry something from her forwards, or else, its like i was already losing her even more than i did.
and after that chaos, moving, going back to work, that’s when the resignation, the being lost, the terrible floating through empty space started to creep in.
i couldn’t see friends, i couldn’t go out, i just ran from everything. slowly, i just took the simplest, easiest things from my past to fall back into, exercise, reading, being alone, and just let them consume my time. i couldn’t do anything else. being at work, being around people, all of it was a terrible burden, an act i had to put on, how do you grieve properly in front of others? what’s the proper amount of sorrow, hatred, grief, regret? how often can you talk about things? How much is too much? How many times did i overshare, under share, hide myself, run away, get angry, lose myself?
i honestly don’t know what I did in the past year. most of it i can’t remember. most of it is lost in me just not knowing anything, of what to do, how to feel …
honestly i’ve been floating in a terrifying empty abyss, not consumed by rage or regret, not angry with the world. just utterly lost.
maybe that’s what i want to communicate most. how difficult it is even to know yourself, to locate yourself, to feel yourself, when you’re just lost.
i hate myself most of the time. i do feel life is unfair. i walk on the street, noticing families, young couples, the natural turn and flow of life, and i just can’t help feeling angry and upset and jaded. i’m reminded of you everyday, i notice small things i wish i could share with you, a bird hopping on the grass, ducks swimming in a pond, sunlight gently falling through the leaves. i have a whole world and life that was supposed to be shared with you. its so heavy and hard to carry that.
i still go through the everyday minutia. i enjoy meals, i waste time, i play video games, hang out with friends sometimes, laugh, but then at some point, everything comes crashing back down and i just feel so … resigned.
i don’t have any intention of hurting myself, i don’t have the will for that. but everyday, i just wish life was over. i just wish everything was swallowed up by darkness and emptiness and that i ceased to be.
i try and tell myself, and i tell others as well, that i’m doing as best as i can. that maybe this is all normal. that processing and dealing with life is something we all have to do. but i just wish i didn’t have to anymore.
there are so many things i miss so much. there are so many things that i wish the world understood or knew or recognized. there’s so much i don’t want to disappear and be forgotten about Aya, but its all just ashes crumbling in my fingers and swept away by the wind. . .
to be honest, that is the most comforting thought to me. that none of this matters. that in a few days, or weeks, or years, sometime soon, i’ll be gone too, and all of this will disappear. my life with Aya, all the memories we have, all the love and joy and happiness, will just drift off and be forgotten, and life will not be any sadder or darker for it, it will simply carry on and the world will wake up as if nothing ever happened.
i still don’t know why i write this, but its the only thing i can do.
i miss you so much Aya. I love you so much